·:[ Jason On A Shtick ]:·
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Each year, it becomes more difficult to perpetuate the time honored tradition of lying to our children about Santa Claus. There was a time when Santa was a revered figure. The mere sight of him (which was actually a rare event) caused children to stop in their tracks and glare in awe. But now, the image of Saint Nick is nothing more than another shill for the all powerful advertising dollar… and children are catching on.

About a week before Christmas, we were stopped at the light at Man O’ War and Pleasant Ridge, a major intersection near our home. Lindsay, our sweet, innocent two year old daughter, said quietly “Look! It’s Santa!”. Sure enough, there was the jolly elf himself – dancing maniacally on the corner while wearing a Malone’s restaurant placard advertising gift certificates. Lindsay didn’t seem to find this atrocity very odd, or at least I don’t think she did since she spoke very quietly to bring him to our attention. Maybe she still has some respect for the guy.

However, our friends’ daughter Paige, now four and a half years old, is beginning to smell the stench of a sweaty Santa hat. She and her parents were joining us at a Wendy’s for dinner one night when she spotted Santa riding shotgun in a pickup truck at the drive through window. She yelled “Look! There’s Santa!”. But after thinking for a moment she asked her mom “Why did he come all the way down from the North Pole to go to this Wendy’s?”. Poor Paige – she’ll be lucky to get one more year of enjoyment out of the ruse that is Kris Kringle.

I remember a time when kids were eight or nine years old before they figured it out. It was a more innocent time, and we were better people for it. Now, everything in the universe is all about selling something. You can’t nut a Tivo remote without getting thirty seconds of still words blasted at you during a fast forward. They even try to make the commercials look like the show you are watching so you stop too fast and get stuck watching an ad for some heinous crap! There’s nowhere to run, nowhere to hide from the capitalist machine. And hey, that’s how it works in this country I guess.

But we as consumers (and as decent citizens!) should cry foul when the beast tampers with our prized treasures. If the space shuttle suddenly looked like a Nascar stock racer with “Pennzoil” and “Champion” logos all over it, there would be plenty of uproar (except maybe from Nascar fans and people who want a bigger NASA budget). We must protect the tradition of Santa Claus and I know how to do it.

For the sake of what is right, we must enact legislation to protect the virtues of Santa Claus. From now on, fake Santas should have to wear a Santa suit made with the bright construction orange color in place of red, while real Santas keep the rouge. This way, it will be easy for us to say to our kids “You’re right honey, that is just some scab dressed as a Santa because Santa is such a popular fellow – the real Santa wears red”. No longer will our children have their innocence stripped away at such an early age. They can continue to worship mall Santas and Santas that visit their preschool classes until they are grown up enough to hear the truth.

So act now, people! Protect Santa by writing your representatives and telling them you don’t want your child’s innocence taken away! Just remember: red means real!

In Kentucky, when someone asks “Where are you from?”, your answer should be the place where you grew up – not where you live now. Your current residence is only a correct response if the question is “Where do you live?”. It doesn’t matter how long you lived in either place. I have been living in Lexington for nearly as long as I lived in my home town of Cynthiana. However, I will always be from Cynthiana; I live in Lexington.

It also doesn’t matter if you are speaking to someone from outside of Kentucky. I have often heard fellow Kentuckians answer the question “Where do you live?” with something like “Well, I was born in Danville, but I live in Louisville”. We understand that people from outside of Kentucky need a clarification because knowing where we are from will be much more important to their perception of us than where we live now.

My friend Todd says this behavior is the result of our state being a mostly rural environment. The closeness of small communities has a lot to do with your makeup. The identity of the town where you grew up is stamped on you and most certainly has more to do with who you are than wherever you are living right now. Indeed, the two of us were greatly afflicted, er, affected by Cynthiana…

There is probably some opportunity for a sociological comparison here – maybe something about the effects of small town life and how it resembles tribal living and identity to some degree. But, I am from Cynthiana after all – a backwards, rustic place where people probably don’t think too deeply about such things.