·:[ Jason On A Shtick ]:·
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My two year old daughter is a huge Chuck E. Cheese fan. When we left there after visiting for the very first time, she cried "CHUCKY! CHUCKY!" over and over, the way Kramer cries for "KENNY!" in that episode of Seinfeld about the Kenny Rogers Roasters. When she is a good little angel (which is most of the time!) and makes good efforts at using the potty (our latest form of bribery) we take her there.

So basically, what you don’t want to happen at Chuck E.’s is for the ice cream dispenser machine to run out of ice cream, especially after a few kids have gotten the last ones and are taunting your child with them. You will have a riot on your hands, as we did tonight. Thank goodness a Dairy Queen is in the same area – I was able to sell her on the idea of a Dilly Bar, a tasty treat from my own childhood.

My question is: HOW CAN CHUCK E. RUN OUT OF ICE CREAM??? This seems to be a problem with a very simple solution: you keep extra ice cream on hand in the back. Get yourself a $300 deep freeze from H.H. Gregg and you are all set! You just have to train one of the hired help to open up the machine and fill it back up. While I am at it, here’s some things that will go much, much differently at the Jason-owned Chuck E. Cheese replica:

• We won’t run out of ice cream. EVER. We won’t run out of ANYTHING. I can count, and I can certainly figure out how to stock more of something than I think I’ll need. I can also instruct even the most hard headed of people to tell me when something is running low. Kids don’t understand what it means to run out of something, so this is a very important issue.
• We will have Chuck E. (or whatever our central character will be named) come out every hour to visit everyone. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been to CEC only to never see Chuck E. in person. And if he does come out, he spends about 10 minutes with the kids having birthday parties and completely ignores the regular guests. I have had to make up all kinds of stories like "Chucky is sleepy" or "Chucky had to go to the potty" to explain why Chuck E. didn’t come to see us. I mean, college mascots walk around in those suits for hours at a time! Why can’t we get someone to come out for a few minutes every hour to instill joy in all the children? And don’t even give me some crap about how it would be over use of Chuck E.! Kids can’t get enough of that stuff! They would love him EVEN MORE if he actually came to see them every time!
• The dude that we get to walk around in the Chuck E. suit – we’ll have him actually operate one of those wimpy manual swiffer vacuum cleaners around the place while he’s not in costume. Pick up some garbage, geez!
• You know how at the Fazzoli’s they have someone walking around handing out bread sticks? We are going to have someone walking around with a basket of baby wipes handing them out like candy. Baby wipes are the best thing even conceived. Instant mess remedy. I carry a pack in my car and keep some in my office.
• Kids are germ magnets. They lick their fingers, pick their ears and noses, and handle every knob, button, hand rail, corner edge, toy and loose item that they find. Every hour while our Chuck E. is out entertaining the kids, we’ll have some other folks wiping down all the knobs, buttons, hand rails, corner edges, toys and other loose items for your sanitary pleasure.

Just let me know if you want to pony up some money to make this kids’ paradise a reality!